Friday, March 5, 2010

Logically you know it’s going to be ok.

“When we first met you seemed so illusive and brooding and intense, an enigmatic poet. What I took to be deep and mysterious, has just turned out to be really sad and unhappy.”

-How To Be

Oh how love can blind and cause us to lose any sense of sane judgment when it comes to the opposite sex. We want so desperately to believe in the good in another individual, especially when they seem to have seized our every thought in an act of quixotic conquest. Blindly we allow ourselves to become wrapped up in their every word and stare dreamily for hours into their eyes imagining them tangled with you in a passionate embrace. Slowly as the love dust begins to settle you begin to notice little things. Things that didn’t seem to matter at first, such as their total lack of ability to commit to any one partner in their past, or their complete inability to pay for a simple thing because they are financially destitute due to the last moronic floozy that they dated, or their blatant substance abuse problems as a means of escaping any real feelings of intimacy. What’s funny, no , what is hilarious, is that these things don’t seem to matter. In fact you stupidly think, I can help, I can make it better. If I treat them the way I always wanted to be treated, then everything will be ok. You begin to lose little pieces of yourself as you become more and more wrapped up in their charismatic personality. You can consciously feel as little things that you held so important become minor discrepancies and you let little things slip that in your former life you would normally hold your ground on.

Still you try so hard to see the person in the light that you originally saw them in, you try so hard to keep them on that pedestal. Even when you feel them pull away. Even when you know it’s slipping. When on some level you always knew you were going to lose them to the inevitable. When you feel it in your gut that they are detaching as a method of emotional preservation and making plans to move on without you. You mourn the loss of a friend, you mourn the loss of yet another relationship, you mourn that you will no longer get to make them laugh or feel the comfort of their arms again. Your head begins to spin as you feel it slip through your fingers and all you can do is watch the pieces scatter.

You still want to believe the best in that person, you still want to believe that they somehow care about you. You know that it’s over and for a moment your stomach sinks into your knees and you recognize the loneliness that is going to envelope you. You know that the two of you can not be friends, it just can’t happen and you feel the sadness that comes with realizing that this person is no longer going to be in your life. It’s difficult to sleep in your own bed because it suddenly feels empty. The queen size repository makes you ache with sickening anticipation of the restless sleep that awaits you.

Logically you know it’s going to be ok. You know you are going to be fine. You existed before this person, you will exist after this person. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine.

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